summer_of_giles | Fic: The Watcher Watch Diary ‘98 , FRM (6/9)

6/13/98 - Cordelia Chase

I’m leaving with my parent’s tonight. We’re going to some resort. I hope it’s near a beach. A whole summer without waves is not my idea of a vacation.

Anyway, I stayed with Giles last night. Don’t ask why I felt like I should. Some weird part of me I don’t understand needed to make sure he’s all right before I leave. This has been a really strange summer for me. I mean, am I growing as a person or something?

Oh yeah, talking about Giles. So, I know the doctors are trying to wean him off all the medications now. If they only knew how hard we’ve been working to get him to take the damn things. Anyway, even so, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to give him the full dose of the sleeping pills. He’s finally actually sleeping, and God does he need it. And yes, I let him think he was sneaking a nightcap or two.

I offered him another back rub. It’d be his last chance after all. He said no, that he was fine, and when he settled in to sleep it seemed to come quickly. I know it’s creepy, but I just sat there watching him for a while. Remembering all the things we’ve gone through, all the things this guy has survived. I’m not the type to do the soul searching thing, but I think I’m really starting to think of the librarian as like a friend. A real one. It’s not a normal feeling for me. But I do want him to be all right, and even happy.

He wasn’t asleep ten minutes before he started dreaming. He was mumbling, talking to someone. I knew this was going to turn into a nightmare and I couldn’t take watching him go through that anymore. So I did the only thing I could think of. And this is where everyone but Willow can butt out and meet me at the end of this entry.

WILLOW’S EYES ONLY

Je suis par écrit ceci en Français because I know you got an A in that class and I learned it on vacation in Paris last summer. Plus, the boys, especially Xander, won’t take the time to translate it. I’m not proud of what I did and will never admit to it if questioned. I’m trusting you here not to go spreading it around, and only telling you in case he needs you to do it again. I swear, start a rumor and I’ll bury you.

When he started dreaming, he was talking to Jenny. It was like he saw her there with him. But then he got agitated and started calling like he couldn’t find her. So I went and whispered in his ear. I tried to sound like her. I said, “I’m here, England.” Cause that’s what she used to call him, right? I pay attention. He immediately smiled and told me he thought he’d lost me. God, I so wanted not to cry last night. I said, “No, I’m here with you.” He said stuff I couldn’t understand for a while. Then he giggled and said I felt so good. I NEVER TOUCHED HIM.

But it was his dream, and would probably be one of the few good memories he would have of her. So I said, “You make me feel so good.” OK, when his hands started moving I jumped away so fast… But they never made it out from under the covers. He said he needed me and that he didn’t want to ever let me go again. So I went back to sit by him. I kinda brushed some of his hair back and told him something sappy like I was in his heart so he never had to let me go. I don’t know, I’m new at this! Then he sighed, and shifted, and that’s when I notice his hands weren’t the only bumps moving under the covers.

God, I don’t know why I even started telling you this. And isn’t he too old for that kind of stuff anyway!?! That’s when he said he wanted to feel me and asked me to touch him. My mind was half way out the door before my body could move. However, I finish what I start. So I said the only thing I could think of. I told him I wanted to watch him touch himself. He giggled and said I was silly, but I could tell he was following my instructions. Thankfully, he was quiet about it. He gave one long groan at the end. It was a strangely sad sound to make when you’ve just… Then he whispered, “I love you, Jenny.” You know, I really don’t let people rip my heart out like this. I couldn’t help it. I kissed his forehead and said, “I love you, too, England. Now go to sleep.” And he fell back into a deep sleep. What else was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just sit there and let him go through seeing her dead again.

He got up really early this morning and went to take a shower. I didn’t let on I was awake. When I went downstairs he was all blushy and wouldn’t look at me. I could tell he was terrified that I might have heard or seen something. I acted normal, but told him I had to pack and left right away. If he found out, I think he might die of embarrassment before I did. Please, just keep this one to yourself. If not for my sake, for his.

ALL RIGHT. THE GUYS CAN COME BACK.

You guys, please take care of him. I don’t want to come back and find him worse than he is now. He really does need someone to care. See you when school starts.

6/14/98 – Watcher-watch Update by Oz

Cordelia’s gone on vacation with her parents now. So that brings us down to three. Devon told me that a friend of his is working on booking a tour of local bands to go up and down the coast. I’d hate to leave with everyone still recovering, but Willow says I shouldn’t give up this chance for the band.

Xander’s at the doctor’s today. He’s finally getting his cast off. I think we’re throwing a little celebration for him tonight. Wil’s been big on pointing out the happy times lately.

Giles appears to be doing better. It might be time to start seeing if he’s good on his own at night. I know he appreciates us, but he’ll be happy for his privacy again. This doesn’t mean we’ll stop visiting him. We’ve noticed he’s been searching the newspapers again, looking for signs of vamp activity. I don’t think he’ll go out on his own, but we’ll be ready to help him. The lack of word on Buffy is getting to him again. We need to watch that he doesn’t get too depressed. We all know what can happen if he does.

6/15/98 -- Willow

We had some ice cream at Giles’ for Xander last night. He was having a good time showing us all the things he could do with his arm again. Flexing it and twisting it and picking stuff up. Even Giles started to chuckle a little at his clowning around. It was really nice.

Then came the point when Giles got up, walked to the kitchen, and brought back a tray full of drinks for everyone. That’s the moment we all looked at each other and were sure. Giles didn’t need us anymore. Well… he does, just not the constant watching and doing things for him stuff. So we all sat down and had a talk about it. He said he was ready. He told us he appreciated our concern and everything we’d been doing for him, but it was time. And, of course, he turned into our old Watcher-man and started talking about how it wasn’t fair for him to take up all of our vacation time and things like that.

Even so, Xander made him swear he’d call us if he needed any kind of help. He even grabbed the biggest book he could find off Giles’ shelves and made him take an oath on that. Neither Giles or I had the heart to tell him it was only an atlas of ancient European maps. Oops… Guess you’ll find out when you read this, Xand. But I do know the thought behind it really touched Giles. Somehow, I think he lives his life believing that people don’t actually care about him, and when someone shows him how much they do, he doesn’t know how to respond. That’s why it seemed like he was just humoring us. But I’m sure he was serious when he promised to call.

After we cleaned up and talked it over I still didn’t want to leave him alone. For a while it all started to feel so right. Having someone to take care of, who appreciated what I could do for them. I never thought it’d be so hard for me when it stopped. I guess I hadn’t realized how much being there with him was helping me too. But, somehow, I think Giles knew all along. Before we left, I told him he could call me at any time during the night, no matter what he needed to talk about. He gave me that comforting pat on the shoulder and said the same went for me. I’ve spent very few nights at home alone since everything happened. I wonder if he knew that all this time he was looking after me as much as I was taking care of him.

He didn’t call during the night. Although, I know that doesn’t mean he slept well. Being alone in this empty house didn’t do much to help my dreams. The guys will be here soon to pick me up for lunch. We’re gonna swing by and check on Giles. He’ll, of course, tell us he’s fine. I’m not sure I am.

6/18/98 – Xander

The last few days have been really quiet. In fact, with Cordy gone and not constantly worrying about the big guy, I kinda don’t know what to do with myself. We still meet up for a while every day. We call or swing by to see if Giles needs anything. He does seem to be doing better on his own now… That, or he bucks up when we’re around so we’ll stop treating him like, well like a guy who was TORTURED a month ago! Sorry, but sometimes I wonder if he knows he’s allowed to milk this kind of thing and not be the normal stiff-upper-lip British guy. Wow, I don’t think I realized I would miss helping him so much.

In other news, I went by Buffy’s house to see her mom again. She’s doing the adult thing too, and saying we don’t have to worry about her. But I can see how much she misses Buffy. I wish I had the first idea of where she might have gone. I have these daydreams where I go and bring her back and I get to be the hero. But I’m no hero. At least they’re better than the nightmares. Yep, still having fun with those. Dead Giles, Vamp Willow, Buffy losing, me sniveling in a corner and useless, the works. Have you guys noticed that sometimes our lives just plain suck? Anyway, I hung around with Joyce for a while. Mowed the lawn for her and did all the other manly chores I could think of. Mostly, I think she liked having a teenager around for a while. And I really liked being there for her. She’s a really good mom.

I thought I’d make an entry today because we’re about to go out and do something that’s probably really stupid. Figured it’d be good to write down what’s going on somewhere in case all of our bodies are found in the morning. I knew it when we walked into the G-man’s apartment earlier today. There were newspapers spread all over his desk and a big red circle around one of the obits. Death from spontaneous neck rupture. Code words for a vampire attack. I guess the word is out. No more Angelus in SunnyD, welcome back vamps! And the look on Giles’ face when we called him on it… You guys know he was planning to go out there on his own, right? He didn’t want to put ‘the children’ in danger. Boy, he caved super fast when he saw the look in Willow’s eyes. After everything, he was gonna go out and try to get himself killed. Well, if he didn’t realize what that would do to us before, Willow sure made it clear to him. Have I told you how much I love you, Girl? That’s my Wils, the power to bring a grown man to his knees with a glare.

After that argument, Giles went into business mode. All the signs point to this guy rising tonight. And it had to be a big guy, too. No pushover for us on our first time out without the Slayer. All four of us are going tonight. We’re hoping for strength in numbers. And I’m not sure any of us are really up for this. Too late to back out now. Time to go mount up.

6/19/98 -- Willow

I’m calm now. I am. Not mad anymore, no not me. But what was the big idiot thinking anyway? I mean, how could he try to do that to us? Stupid, stupid man with a death wish! But I’m not angry. Not anymore.

I’m thinking I should write about what happened last night now. We all went out. There was a new gave of a man who’s death had all the signs of someone who was turned by a vampire. So, it was four against one. Even without Buffy, it’s not like we didn’t know what we were doing. The Slayerettes to the rescue. But he was so big, and so strong. And when he attacked, he threw us around like rag dolls. And then Giles… He had Giles, and I thought that was it. We’d gone through all that just to watch him get himself killed by an ordinary vampire.

I’m not wigging. I’m calm. We were out there, sitting around that grave for hours. Xander was the first to get bored, of course, so we started playing games. I asked Giles to give us a puzzle to work on, and he smiled and thought of a riddle for us. He knew I was trying to help Xand stay focused, so he gave us a pretty easy one and I helped give hints without spoiling it. Sorry, Xander, but you did get the answer, so yay. The point is, we had sat down and were talking when the vampire came out of the grave.

He was massive! First he hit Oz and sent him over the headstone, then he picked up Xander and threw him a couple rows down. And then he turned and started coming for me. I had my cross up and a bottle of holy water ready. But I heard Giles yell, “She’s not for you, I am.” He had no defenses up and the vampire rushed him. They collided and went down hard. I know the whole thing lasted less than a minute, but it felt like forever. Giles was throwing wild punches, but didn’t have any weapon. They rolled around a little and then the vamp was on top of him, pounding his head into a monument. And, for a heart-stopping moment, I was sure Giles stopped fighting back and was lying there just waiting for the final bite.

The three of us reached them at the same time and Xander drove his stake into the vamp’s back. It howled in anger and then poofed. And, when the dust settled, Giles was lying there all unconscious. I was so scared. I thought we were too late. But, a few moments later, he opened his eyes and blinked at us. In that first instant, I swear I saw disappointment on his face. I think I might have lost it at that point. I started crying and shouting at him. Next thing I knew I was on the ground with Giles holding me. He was telling me he was all right, and that he was sorry for frightening me. Doesn’t he understand what losing him too would do to us?

When they had me calmed down, we tried to get Giles to let us take him to the hospital to get his head checked out. Of course, he didn’t want to go. Said he was fine, even though he had a dizzy spell on the way home. I didn’t want to leave him in that condition, just in case, but I was still really upset. So Xander stayed to keep an eye on him, and Oz brought me home.

You guys keep trying to convince me he didn’t do it on purpose, but I know. I saw it in his eyes. We can’t lose him now. We can’t let him try to take himself away from us again. No more vamp hunts for him. Not until he gets this stupid death wish out of his system!

6/19/98 – Xander

I see Wil already told the story, but I thought I’d write down what happened later. After Oz took Willow home last night, Giles was really quiet. He sat for a long time just holding his mug and staring at nothing. I still had graveyard ground into my face, so I decided to grab a quick shower. When I came back out Giles hadn’t moved an inch.

I’ll admit now that I wasn’t as calm as I made out last night. Seeing Wils so wigged really got to me. So, when I sat on the couch, I finally asked him if he understood why she was so upset. At first he was startled, like he didn’t realize I was there, but then he looked at me with that expression on his face. You know, the one with the little smile that basically says, ‘I know I’m supposed to be the grown up here, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be stupid sometimes’? I tried not to get on his case, him being hurt again and all, but I wanted him to get it. Then he admitted that Willow’s reaction was all he’d been thinking about since we’d gotten back. He said his actions were rash and thoughtless, and he didn’t think about the repercussions from our point of view. He didn’t come right out and admit it, but I got the impression that he thought his death would do no more than take a huge burden off of our shoulders. He doesn’t get it, Wil! We can try to show him how much we do care, but he doesn’t know how to accept that as reality. When he looks at himself right now, all he sees is a massive screw up. Believe me, I know how that feels. You gotta cut him a little slack when he’s not thinking straight.

And I don’t think you should expect him to try to apologize or anything. Just the fact that you are mad at him seems to have affected him a bunch. I think he’s a little afraid to even bring it up to you.

One more thing, Wils. You gave him a good scare, too. Seeing that vamp turn on you wasn’t easy for any of us. I don’t know what he would have done if you had been the one to get hurt, but I know it wouldn’t be good. He had dreams of you getting hurt last night. He won’t admit it, but I know he did. I heard him cry out for you.

Sometimes, I wish we could let him read this book one day. Maybe then he might understand he means so much more to us than he thinks he does.

6/20/98 – Oz

Today is the first time Willow sent us to go check on Giles without her. She said it’s because her parents were coming home today and she wants to be there to greet them. Only, we were headed that way at one and her folks weren’t due in ‘til six. Xander spent all yesterday trying to go to bat with her for Giles, but, deep down, Willow does know how to hold a grudge. Even when she’s the only one that knows it exists. Thing is, I think I know my girl pretty well, and I can’t tell if she’s more upset or just plain scared. Not sure she can either.

Giles did his best not to look disappointed when it was just us, but he’s not that good right now at hiding his emotions. I think he’s so overwhelmed it’s even overpowering his Britishness. First everything with Angel, and then Buffy vanishing… I don’t know how long he can take Willow being mad at him on top of it all. Believe me, few people on Earth have known the full wrath of Willow and it doesn’t feel good. Please don’t make him endure it for long.

Devon says the tour is going ahead and almost completely booked. In a week I go wolf again and we’re supposed to leave in three days. The guys have accepted the excuse that my grandma is having surgery and are letting me sit out that weekend, so I’ll make it back. I hate to be a burden on you guys like this every month.

Part 7