FIC: Just the Way You Are Pt. 1 b (Giles/Xander) PG-13

[cheetahanabel.livejournal.com]

The need to talk to someone was clearer in his mind than ever. Of course Xander once again had to contend with the conundrum of who, precisely, in the mish-mash of Sunnydalites, he could confide in with his problem. If Sunnydale High were still around he could have talked to one of the counselors. Heck Mr. Lintner was a self-proclaimed homosexual, so Xander could easily have talked to him—if he wasn’t dead. Sadly, Mr. Lintner was one of the many casualties of the Final Battle, as he liked to call it. He was too close to the building when it erupted. Now Mr. Lintner would never get the chance to tell Xander the end of that story about the cross-dresser from Brooklyn. 

 

There were other people who died, or just left, the day of graduation that Xander could have confided in. Larry would never be able to know his suppositions were right. Angel had moved on, and although Xander thought that Angel wouldn’t so much as blink at the announcement that Xander was gay, he also thought that there was no way in hell he would ever want to tell Angel anything about his personal life. That guy was just too darn broody. Wesley had left, and although it might have been fun to talk about homosexuality around him just to embarrass him, Xander rather doubted he would have any insight more profound than blushing and running as quickly as possible in the opposite direction. Cordy he could have talked to; after all she had humiliated him enough already he doubted anything she could say would penetrate his body armor. But Xander had no idea where she was.

 

Breaking out of his inner musings, Xander looked around himself realizing he had no idea where he was. At first he was a little panicked, considering the things that go bump in the night and even broad daylight in Sunnydale, and then he saw a giant banner proclaiming in bright letters, “Welcome to Sunnydale University!” Thinking it would be nice to visit his girls he parked his car and walked over to the Sunnydale U map he saw in the walkway. Realizing it would be about as easy to find two girls in the twelve dorm buildings of four hundred rooms each, as it would be to find a urinal in a girl’s room, he quickly gave up on that notion. He was about to get back into his car, when he saw that the reverse side was a bulletin board. College parties!

 

Quickly skimming through the many notices of ‘Roommate wanted: Call Steve’ and ‘Come see the Dr. Peppas!’ he spotted a notice that made him stop cold in his tracks:

 

 

Confused?

You don’t have to go through it alone.

 

 

Come to the Pingry Building Rm 450

and set up an appointment today.

 

Completely confidential counseling

provided for free.

 

No matter what your problem is

we’re here to help.

 

 

 

He grabbed the pen that was attached to the signup sheet for Wicca of Moon and Night and scribbled ‘450 Pingry’ on the palm of his hand. Walking around to the side with the map he figured out where he had to go to get to the Pingry building.

 

Jogging down the walking path, Xander kept an eye on the buildings he was passing. Stevenson, Wiggin, Harvey, ah there it is, Pingry. He took the steps two at a time, eventually reaching the fourth floor. Looking at the door numbers, he noticed an arrow pointing the way towards the ‘Counseling Center.’ He walked in that direction, checking each door’s number until he saw the plaque ‘450’ with a larger ‘Counseling Center’ sign above the door it was attached to.

 

Walking in the door he surreptitiously looked at his surroundings, cataloguing the shelf of self-help books, wall of pamphlets, and comfortable looking furniture in his mind. It seemed like a safe space, the kind of place you could come to in order to get away from it all and just relax with a cup of coffee and a book like ‘What Makes Us Tick.’ To his right there was a partition with another one of those arrows telling him to, ‘Sign In.’ He walked around the partition and found a couple friendly looking ladies, obviously secretaries, who could have been mothers of the current students. One of them smiled at him and said, “Hi there. Can I help you?”

 

Xander smiled nervously back and replied, “Yeah, I-I saw a sign for this ‘Counseling Center’ thing on a bulletin board, and, well, I was wondering if I could talk to someone. Well, not just anyone cause I could stop someone on the street to do that, but maybe a counselor or something?” Realizing he was babbling, Xander snapped his mouth shut and started tapping his toe on the floor. 

 

The lady—her placard said ‘Diane’ in silver letters—asked him, “Have you ever seen one of our counselors before?”

 

“Not in the sense of telling them all of my deepest darkest secrets until they went running to the hill; I’m not sure about the literal seeing with my eyes sense. I’d have to see pictures,” he slapped his hand over his mouth hoping to stop the verbal diarrhea he seemed to be afflicted with.

 

Diane seemed to think nothing of the fact that a gibbering fool had suddenly materialized in her office. She just smiled at him, turned around, and retrieved two rather long forms from the file cabinet. “If you fill these out I’ll be able to get someone to see you as soon as possible. We have a rather limited staff over the summer, but you’ll be able to speak with someone today no matter what, and if you want to try someone else next time it’s perfectly fine. Sometimes counselors and counselees don’t mesh right. Would you like to set up an appointment for today?”

 

“Yes, the sooner the better. I-well I need to-“ he trailed off not knowing how to finish that sentence.

 

“How about we set up an appointment for noon. Somebody will be in then,” Diane gave him the forms on a bright pink clipboard with one of those pens with the fake flower taped to the end.

 

“Noon sounds great!” Realizing he hadn’t showed his appreciation before he muttered a quick, “Thanks,” and walked to the other side of the partition, sitting in one of the comfy chairs. He filled out the paperwork, quickly answer questions like, “How many alcoholic beverages would you say that you drink in the average week?” None and taking a bit more time on “If you were a color, what color would you be and why?” Orange, cause it’s the loudest color. There was, of course, the mandatory, “How would you classify your relationship with your parents?” Nonexistent and then he got to the tough ones, “Are you comfortably with your sexuality?” No, with a large side of way. 

 

Xander finished up with about five minutes to spare until noon. He got up and walked back into the office space, seeing another young man about his own age pouring himself a cup of coffee. The stranger was looking good in a pale blue button-down shirt over a green t-shirt with a pair of khakis and white sneakers. Catching himself checking the stranger out Xander whipped his head back to the secretaries’ desks. Returning the clipboard and flower pen to Diane he blurted out, “I’m done, and with five minutes to spare. You thought you could best me but not I. No one defeats the Xan-man. Mwa-ha-ha.”

 

Diane smiled at him like he had not in actuality just made a complete and total ass of himself. “Why don’t you go and sit back down? There are quite a few books and magazines out there if you’d like to choose something to read.”

 

Xander ducked his head and backed out, smiling and waving a little as if to say, See, I can keep my mouth shut. He walked over to the bookshelf and started perusing the titles. “How Alcohol Stole My Life” was right next to “Images of What You Can Be.” Huh, wonder what crazy system they’re using anyhow. He kept looking until he spotted the book “Gay and Proud: a Coming Out Guide.” Glancing both ways to make sure no one was watching him, Xander stealthily slid the book from the shelf, looking at first the front cover then the back. Nothing scary. No pictures of naked men or descriptions of male body parts. Flipping the book open he spotted a picture of two men kissing. He looked at it, mesmerized for a minute. The look so happy. And hot. Hoppy. Suddenly, from just a few feet to his right he heard, “Alexander?” Xander freaked out, dropping the book and then trying to cover it before anyone saw, almost falling over in his haste. 

 

After clumsily kicking the book under the shelf, Xander replied, “Yeah, it’s Xander,” turning to face the voice as he spoke. As soon as he saw who he was talking to he muttered, “Oh, crap.” It was the guy who’d been in the secretaries’ office. The extremely good-looking guy who had seen him make a fool of himself how many times now? 

 

Mystery Man held his hand out, saying, “Hey Xander, I’m Graham. I’ll be your counselor, for today at least.”

 

Xander shook Graham’s hand with sweaty palms. Great you couldn’t have been a woman? Or at least a remotely unattractive guy? Seriously what am I doing here? How the hell am I supposed to tell this Adonis that I have a yen for the male form? Ah, it’s uh nice to meet you,” Xander answered laughing a bit hysterically and looking about himself like a caged animal.

 

Graham smiled at him and gestured to a set of doors opposite the one he’d come in from. “My office is right this way. Sorry it’s so tight. It’s really more a hole in the wall than an actual office. I’m doing my residency now, and once I’m done with that I’ll finally be an official counselor here, with one of the real offices with windows and everything.”

 

Completely on edge Xander screeched, “You’re not even a counselor yet?” 

 

Graham stopped them in the hallway, waiting until Xander made eye contact with him. “Obviously we all need to get our training somehow. If you have a problem talking to someone who isn’t an official counselor, you can come by tomorrow morning and meet with Mark. This whole process is about you feeling comfortable, and if you don’t feel comfortable with me we’ll definitely get someone else. My sole request is that you try me out first. Just give me a shot today, and if you still want to meet with someone else you can schedule an appointment with Mark tomorrow, okay?”

 

About halfway through Graham’s speech Xander forgot what they were talking about. Try me out—gah! So when Graham looked at him questioningly he had to rewind the last few minute in his mind. “Yeah, we’ll give it a shot. Why not? What’s the worst that could happen? You do have counselor, counselee confidentiality, right?”

 

Graham chuckled a little, saying, “Of course.” He opened the door to an office that really was tiny. Besides a small desk with a laptop, there was just an office chair and a comfy barcalounger. Xander wondered if anyone ever tried to take the office chair. He settled in the cushy black chair and found it to be almost too comfortable. Graham sat on the swivel chair and started their conversation. “So why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?”

 

“Don’t you like know everything about me after—“ Xander gestured at the manila folder stationed on Graham’s lap, with “Harris, Alexander” printed clearly across the front.

 

“Actually I don’t like to read the information given in these things. They tend to give me preconceived notions about the people I’m seeing. You can tell a lot more about a person by the way they hold themselves than by what they write.” Graham leaned over and set the folder on his desk, still unopened. “So, if you don’t mind my asking, what led you to come in here today? Usually it takes a real reason for someone to find us. We’re not exactly on the main drag.”

 

“That’s probably a good thing, considering you’re working at a college. You’d have kids coming out of the woodwork if you were too easy to find. God only knows how much crazy fun we like to get ourselves into.” Xander leaned back in the chair, avoiding Graham’s eyes for a minute. “What brings me here is—Well lately I’ve been feeling—less than straight?”

 

“Do you mean bi?” Graham asked. Xander nodded in misery, glancing at him for a second. Graham gave him a little smile and said, “Well then, you’re more than straight. You have a lot more avenues open to you than the average straight guy now.”

 

Xander had to laugh at Graham’s logic. “Okay, so I’m opportunity guy, but I’m also different guy, you know, stand out in a crowd guy. I mean how do you even begin to…” he trailed off there, too embarrassed to continue.

 

“Don’t tell me your secret desire is to be normal,” Graham said with a raised eyebrow. At Xander’s headshake he continued, “It’s my opinion that we’re all a little bi. There are just people who are mostly attracted to the opposite sex and people who are mostly attracted to the same sex. I honestly think it’s us guys in the middle of the spectrum that get the worst breaks.”

 

“Wait you…” Xander made a motion with his hands.

 

“Yeah, I’m bi, and proud of it. I’ve had meaningful relationships with both sexes. Every person you date is going to be different. Each girl has different shaped breasts, and each boy has different shaped--” he cleared his throat and gestured.

 

“Adam’s Apples? True. Did you know my cousin Marco has an Adam’s Apple the size of an actual apple? It’s really freaky. When he was little everyone used to call him deep-throat. We didn’t know what it meant at the time and when we found out he was furious. Of course nowadays he’s able to bench a large Chevy, so I wouldn’t recommend calling him that.” Running out of wind, Xander looked at Graham again. Taking a risk he asked, “So when did you know?”

 

“That I was bi?” Graham asked. At Xander’s nod he continued, “I was in the service. One day I realized that I checked out everyone else in the locker room a hell of a lot more often than they looked at each other. I couldn’t ever tell anyone, because then I’d be discharged, so I lived in the closet for over a year. Eventually some of the boys became suspicious anyhow, so I was transferred to a special unit, and now I’m here talking to you. How about you? What caused you to have the epiphany?”

 

Xander laughed self-consciously saying, “This summer I decided to take a voyage of self discovery, traveling across our nation and following in the footsteps of Kerouac. Of course two hours out of town my engine fell out of my car. I was in Oxnard and had about enough money to rent a room at the Moto-tel Inn for exactly one night. I knew I had to find a job of course, and the only place hiring was The Fabulous Ladies’ Night Club. I worked washing dishes for over a month. The pay was horrendous and if I’d continued doing just that I would have been able to pay off my car and make it back home by about April.

 

“Then, last night, Mikhail had a freak accident with a curling iron. I’ve never seen a man so burned in all of my life and I lived through high school graduation last year. He obviously couldn’t strip, so my boss, otherwise known as the only woman I’ve ever met with a mustache darker than mine, demanded that I go on in his place. After much yelling on her part and crying like a little girl on mine I caved in. Paolo got me dressed up, which cause warm tingles all over, but I thought at the time that was due to the wax. He then proceeded to show me the routine, which—wonder of wonders—I was awful at. After much pulling of hair and gnashing of teeth on Paolo’s part and more crying like a girl on my part he determined that the only way to teach me was direct hands on contact. When his hands were on—eh hem—certain parts of my anatomy, I started to get happy he was there. Very happy. Happier than I’d ever been with a girl happy.”

 

“Happier than you’d ever been with a girl?” Graham asked. He was leaning forward in his seat, obviously interested in Xander’s story.

 

“Allow me to explain. My relationships with woman have been ridiculously painful, in the sense that someone was caused actual physical pain. The only girl I’ve ever slept with may be super hot, but she also happens to be insane in the belongs-in-a-mental-institution sense of the word. She used me as a dildo and then threw me out on my ass as soon as I’d served my purpose. Heck, I’m amazed she let me come. My girlfriend of nine months caught me cheating on her with my best friend and tripped into an old mine shaft, falling on a piece of rebar; I’m sure she still has scars to this day. The rest of the women I dated were only worse. How much worse? Well you wouldn’t believe me if you tried.”

 

“Well, I’m sorry that you’ve had such bad luck in the past. Do you think there’s a reason why you’re unable to form a mutually satisfying relationship?”

 

It was on the tip of Xander’s tongue to say he was a demon magnet, but he managed to restrain himself, just barely. “I can’t say I had very good role models. My parents would make Lucy and Ricky think twice before getting married. My uncle Rory believes that lovin’ can only come in the form of a prostitute. I guess I’m unlucky in family members.”

 

Graham steepled his fingers and asked, “Do you have any non-family members that are in healthy relationships then?”

 

Xander laughed to himself. How healthy do you consider a slayer and a vampire? How about a witch and a werewolf? No, what about a watcher and a techno-pagan?  Aloud he said, “No, my non-family might be worse with the whole relationship thing than my family is.”

 

“So who would you consider your best role model then?” Graham asked curiosity plain in his voice.

 

Xander thought for a second and then grinned a little, “Probably Giles. I think he’s my best role model because he’s human,” catching himself he backpedaled a bit. “I mean he’ll admit he’s been where I’ve been. In the seventies he was wild and passionate and big with the free love and drugs and guitar, but now he’s a responsible adult. I think I like that he was able to change himself that much, and that, if he wanted to, he would be able to change back.”

 

Graham looked behind Xander’s head.   Xander almost craned his neck around to be able to see what Graham was looking at. When Graham said, “We’re almost out of time for today,” it became rather apparent that he was looking at his handy dandy clock. He continued, “I’d like to give you a little bit of homework for this week.”

 

Xander groaned, “Homework? I thought I was done with homework now that I’m done with high school, especially since there’s no longer a school there.”

 

Grinning, Graham replied, “Don’t worry, it’s not of the written kind, although that might come up at some later date. What I’d like for you to do for me is to come out to Giles. I think a wacky former hippy can handle a little bisexuality, don’t you?”

 

Xander swallowed nervously and answered, “Yeah, I guess I can agree to that. Giles is a great guy. He’ll be okay with it, right?”

 

Graham’s smile turned warm as he said, “I’m sure this Giles will be just fine with anything you have to tell him, and if by some crazy happenstance he’s not, he doesn’t deserve your friendship. Remember I and my fellow staff members will all accept you for who you are. You never have to try to be anything more for us. Now why don’t you go schedule an appointment at the front desk. I’d just sign you up in here, but that way you won’t feel pressured to come back to see me.”

 

“Nah, I think I’ll stick with the guy I know. At least I know you won’t be internally cringing every time I mention my man-lust, or woman-lust for that matter. I’ve got a lot of lust.”

 

Graham laughed and asked him, “Same time next week, then?”

                       

“Yeah, same time next week sounds great.”